


She Can't Breathe

by prideandmusic



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Canon Divergent, Cassian is a literal angel in this, Cuddles, F/M, Fix-It, Fluff, I just want them to be happy, I just want to help her, Sharing a Bed, also i am emotional, but there's also some angst-type stuff, jyn is so guilty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 04:00:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9160066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prideandmusic/pseuds/prideandmusic
Summary: Months after the beach, Jyn can't seem to get any sleep without horrible nightmares. Luckily, she has someone who is there for anything she needs.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my first foray into fan fiction for literal years. This is also the first Star Wars universe fic ever! Rogue One sure got me in ways I didn't need it to but I am loving it. Please enjoy this! I love writing and I love Rogue One so this is a pretty cool mix of the two!

_She’s running. Running and running and running. She can’t breathe but she can’t stop. They’re following her and all she can hear is “I love you Stardust” repeating over and over again. She wants to stop. She can’t breathe. But her father’s voice keeps repeating in her head and she knows she can’t stop. She can’t breathe. She’s so scared. She played with a Stormtrooper doll so she wouldn’t be so scared, but these were different. They somehow radiated an air of death. She can hear them behind her. She’s so scared. Spots are hovering around the edge of her vision. The bunker is so far away. She can’t breathe._

_She tripped. Everything was lost. She can’t breathe. She hears the crunch of dirt behind her. She is scrambling, trying to get up and keep running. She’s being commanded to stop. She can’t breathe. She manages to flip over and stare this strange Stormtrooper in the face. He raises his gun and shoots. She screams._

Her breaths came out in short erratic bursts. Sweat coated her forehead and the bedsheets tangled around her legs. She lay there trying to slow down her breathing, her father’s voice still repeating “I love you Stardust” in her mind. After her breathing returned to a semi-normal rate, she threw her covers off and clambered out of bed. Sighing, she resigned herself to the fact that she wasn’t going to go back to sleep and pulled her clothes on. She slipped out of her quarters and realized that the sun hadn't even come up yet.

Normally when she couldn’t sleep she just found a quiet place to sit, but this morning she couldn’t sit still. She wandered through the base aimlessly, running her fingers across the wall. The cold wall gave her something else to focus on as her fingers started stinging with cold. She counted the number of steps she took between each doorway, and let her feet carry her wherever they pleased.

Eventually the base began humming with activity. She found herself in the mess hall, getting a cup of coffee and nothing else, not sure she can even stomach what she has. After a quick scan of the room, she found a deserted table tucked away in a corner, hopefully far away from prying eyes. She sat down and took a sip of her coffee, wrapping her nearly frozen fingers around the warm cup. Staring at the wall, she took a few more sips of coffee, willing herself to act normally. She almost laughed at the thought. Nothing had been normal since she was supposed to die.

She should have been jubilant that she survived, it was a second chance. Even more importantly, her crew had survived. As she had ridden down that elevator with Cassian, all she could think about was how he was dying for her. Cassian, the man who had so distrusted her when they first met. Cassian, who hardly knew her and yet welcomed her home. Cassian, whose death she had already thought she had witnessed and now had to deal with a second time. Cassian, who she knew that if she just had time-

Her reverie was broken by someone unceremoniously sitting down beside her. Startled, she spilled some of her coffee on the table. She turned a glare to the intruder and found a half-dead looking Bodhi next to her. After seeing his startled look, she softened her glare and grunted out, “G’morning.”

“Morning,” he replied, and got a start on his breakfast. There were bags under his eyes that indicated he wasn’t sleeping well either whether it be from nightmares or just the general stresses of day to day life on the base. They sat together in silence, Bodhi eating his breakfast and Jyn drinking her coffee. When he was done, he stood up and went off to whatever duties he was assigned to for the day.

Jyn barely looked up before resuming staring at the wall. It was almost a routine; someone from Rogue One would join her at the table and one would get up before the other without either of them saying more than a greeting and reporting for duty. It was a pattern they had developed almost as self-defense. There was an understanding between those who survived Scarif, some mornings they just couldn’t handle anyone but each other. They would never press each other, never treat each other with a kind of hushed reverence that a majority of the rebels had, and if someone wanted to talk they would sit and listen.

The mess hall was quickly filling up, and Jyn could feel glances being thrown at her and her empty table. She knew that she needed to get up and report for duty, but she still had to force her breathing to come evenly, the sensation of being pursued not having fully disappeared. She became aware of soft footsteps drawing close to her, and she tensed up, not wanting company. As the unknown footsteps drew nearer, she slumped over the table, hoping to discourage whoever it was to leave her alone.

To her displeasure, a hand rested on her shoulder. “Jyn,” a soft, familiar voice spoke, “are you alright?”

“I’m brilliant,” she muttered into the table sarcastically.

The hand rubbed circles on her back before guiding her up, “Come on, let’s get out of here.” Jyn followed wordlessly, leaning into Cassian’s strong frame after they left the mess hall. He turned a few corners before pulling her into an alcove and turning her to face him. Brushing a strand of hair out of her face, he tilted her chin up towards him. “You look like you haven’t slept in weeks,” he started, concern lacing his voice, “are you still having nightmares about it?”

“Sometimes, other times about other things,” she replied.

“Jyn,” he breathed, “I thought it was getting better!”

She shook her head, trying to formulate a defense, but all of them dying on her lips. Instead all she could say was, “I don’t know what to do.”

He took a long look at her and sighed, “If you need, you can always come to me, no matter what.” In lieu of saying anything in reply, Jyn wrapped herself around him in a hug. He held her tenderly, once again rubbing comforting circles on her back. Eventually he broke the embrace, holding her at arm’s length away from him, and said, “I have to go, but I’ll be in the intelligence headquarters all day if you need anything.” He pulled her in for another quick hug and then headed down the hallway with a regretful look at Jyn.

As she watched him retreat, she ruminated over what he had just said. She knew that both offers of him being available for anything she needed were genuine, but she also knew she couldn’t bring herself to interrupt his important work. The longer she stood there, standing at the spot he had previously occupied, the more guilt she felt. Why was she who had faced so much less than he still trying to cope with the events on the beach planet? What right did she have to pull him away from his work? His work would save hundreds if not thousands of lives and distracting him for even moments could kill more people. More people dead because of her.

She shook herself out of that line of thought. Over the past months she’d gone down it more times than she could count, and each time it led to a breakdown during the middle of whatever task she happened to be doing. She wouldn’t do that today, not with her father’s voice bouncing around in her head still, I love you, Stardust. She took a deep breath and gathered her wits about her and headed off to duty.

Jyn kept herself busy all day, it was the easiest way to distract herself from things she didn’t want to think about. She skipped lunch, working right through it, knowing that she really should eat but feeling just self-destructive enough to ignore the pangs of hunger. By dinner she couldn’t ignore them any longer; her hands were shaking and she felt weak. She made her way to the mess hall and went through the line for food. When she emerged from the line, she looked for familiar faces and saw Baze, Chirrut, and Cassian sitting at a table together. Without a second thought, she took the place between Cassian and Chirrut, the latter greeting her with a smile and the former giving her a concerned glance.

Conversation during dinner was always much lighter and flowed freely. That night was no exception. Jyn participated sparingly, but Chirrut and Baze kept up their lively banter. After she finished her food, Jyn got up without a word and headed to her room, ignoring the feeling of Cassian’s worried gaze on her back. She knew she should have done something to assuage his worry, but couldn’t find the words necessary to do so.

She reached her room and collapsed on her bed. The exhaustion of not sleeping and a full day of work was starting to hit her, but she managed to drag herself out of bed to shower. After she finished showering, she curled up in bed, hoping for a restful night of sleep. She finally drifted off to sleep what seemed like hours later after tossing and turning and attempting to empty her mind.

_She’s running. Running and running and running. She can’t breathe but she can’t stop. They’re following her and all she can hear is, “I love you Stardust” repeating over and over again. She wants to stop. She can’t breathe. But her father’s voice keeps repeating in her head and she knows she can’t stop. She can’t breathe. She’s so scared. Now she’s jumping and climbing. Cassian’s falling. She can’t breathe. She’s riding an elevator with him in tense silence. She’s dragging him out to the beach watching a green ray coming down from the Death Star. She’s embracing him, turning him away from the destruction and death that’s her fault. There’s no one coming for them. She can’t breathe. The wind and heat are getting closer. Everyone’s going to die and it’s all her fault. She can’t breathe. Cassian’s going to die and it’s all her fault. She can’t breathe._

She gasped awake, a scream dying on her lips. However many months ago it happened, the memories of Scarif were enough to guarantee no more sleep for the night. She rolled out of bed, grabbed a jacket, and wandered into the hall. She had no real destination in mind, but found herself at Cassian’s door. She stared at the door, debating whether or not to knock. Logically, she knew that he had said that she could come to him for anything, and right now she desperately needed to know that he was okay. Taking a deep breath, she knocked softly on the door. When after a few moments he hadn’t answered, she turned and started walking away.

“Jyn?” his sleep heavy voice called, “What’s wrong?”

She turned back around, more relieved to hear his voice than she might care to admit. She took a few steps towards him and enveloped him in a tight hug. Surprised, he stiffened for a moment before relaxing and wrapping his arms around her small frame. “Why don’t you come in?” he murmured into her hair. She nodded, and let him guide her into his room. He led her to his bed, and sat down beside her, rubbing gentle circles on her back once again. After a few minutes, he asked quietly, “What happened?”

To her horror, Jyn felt her eyes welling up and started sniffling a little bit. She took a few breaths, trying to stop the tears, but when she started to speak they fell freely. “You could have died and it would have been all my fault,” she gasped, leaning into him, assuring herself that he was, in fact alive.  
“But I didn't,” he reminded her gently, “I’m right here.”

She nodded again, allowing herself to be pulled into another hug. Normally she hated being this vulnerable, especially in front of people. But Cassian was different. Cassian had held her at her most vulnerable and she at his on that beach. There was a trust between the two that nothing could break. Slowly, her breathing slowed down and she stopped crying.

Cassian had switched to stroking her hair and pressed a soft kiss on her head, “You should get some sleep.”

She shook her head, “I can’t go back-” to my room, to my nightmares, to being alone.

He understood her unfinished sentence and lay down, leaving plenty of room for her. She followed suit, rolling over so she was facing him. “Thank you,” she whispered, nestling against his chest.

For a reply, he kissed her forehead and wrapped his arms around her. “I told you that if you needed anything I would be here for you,” her murmured.

“Anything?” she asked tentatively.

“Anything,” he reassured.

With a sudden boldness, she tilted her head up kissed him. After a shocked second, he responded. It wasn’t a kiss for the ages, how could it be when they were both so broken? But it was perfect for them. It reaffirmed the trust they had built on and before the beach. It promised more than either of them were able to say.

When they broke apart, she couldn’t breathe, and when he asked, “Stay?” all she could do was smile, snuggle closer to him, and reply, “You can’t get rid of me now.” He kissed her head and sighed contentedly. Their breathing matched pace, and he ran his fingers through her hair, marveling at how peaceful she looked.

For her part, Jyn couldn’t remember when the last time she had felt so at ease was. She smiled when she remembered Cassian saying, “Welcome home,” because he was right, she was home.

“What’re you smiling about?” he asked softly.

“I’m home,” she said simply.

Smiling, he kept playing with her hair until her breathing was even and she was asleep. Soon he drifted off as well, both sleeping better than they had in years. Waking up in each other’s arms wasn’t so bad either.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed that! I would like to say that my beautiful best friend Kronoz wanted me to describe the kiss as "Neither rough nor tender like the perfect chicken nugget." I just needed you guys to know that.


End file.
